Thursday, April 16, 2009

Ruining the Pirate Name

Robert Louis Stevenson would be appalled my friends.

For those who have not been following the news, Somalian Pirates are out of control. They have been taking ships for years, but now have sworn to attack every American ship they can find. They are attacking ships of other nations too.

I am not going to debate whether Hillary Clinton can successfully come up with a plan to stop these rogues. Nor will I bring in other countries' solutions.

What I want to say here is that the good name of piracy has been attacked, and I for one am horrified.

The fact is, piracy has always been a terrible occurrence. Pirates of the 17th century were, as now, murderers, thieves, plunderers, and degenerates. They were truly feared, and those who encountered them rarely survived unharmed.


With the passage of time, and the help of fiction, we have managed to transform the terrors of the sea into lovable rogues who really want to be good, but their nature fights them at every turn. Jack Sparrow, The Dread Pirate Roberts, One Eyed Willie, even Captain Hook have carved out a place of affection in our hearts.

Now we dress up like them for Halloween. We have books, websites, even an entire day dedicated to how they talked.

I have an inflatable pirate named Keith who lives in my house.

Pirates are FUN!!!

Then these Somalian pirates start up. They are not fun. They are not Robin Hood-esque. They do not leave you smiling as you tut-tut them. They have returned piracy to something evil and wrong.

And I for one will not stand for it. Keith will not stand for it. And neither should you.

Hillary Clinton has her plan. I have mine. First, I need some money. Then I need to learn how to sail. Scratch that. I need to find someone who knows how to sail. Then I need 15 or so brave souls. We are going to become PIRATE HUNTING PIRATES.

We will dress the way pirates should, we will talk the way pirates talk, and we will be the lovable rogues that pirates should be.

And when pirates attack, they will suddenly find themselves in the shadow of the Black Dawn, our very own pirate fighting ship.

Every pirate will fear our name.

And the chicks will dig us.

Speaking of you lasses, do not be afraid to sign up to fight with me, Grainne Ni Mhaille (Grace O'Malley) proved that women can be awesome pirates too!

So who's with me? Who wants to fight the pirates? And bring back the lovable, laughable antics that make books like this so lovable.

Oh, and can anyone bankroll it for me?


Tiffany said...

I was just waiting for someone to ask.

luke said...

you know the great pirate red beard is in.

Wade said...

I almost just pumped my fist and shouted "Yarrrrr" in my office. Enlist me, as long as I can have a peg leg and a parrot, and scurvy. I always wanted scurvy. In fact, make that my enlisted pirate name: Scurvy.

Jenna said...

I want in! Me me!!

ranger said...

i really thought this went without saying, but apparently not. Me,my Kansas boating license, all of my stolen sorry found Army gear, my Vulcan 25 and, Butch and Sundance (my left and right fist respectfully) are pun intended "on board."

Sam said...

I'm in!!! I'd cut off my own leg just to show my dedication! Plus, then I'd get a peg and have a sweet pirate name to go with it.