Thursday, April 23, 2009

My Pirate Crew (With Pictures!)

Well, I put out the call, and some of you responded. There were a few I thought would jump at the opportunity that refrained, but the crew I have is dedicated, fierce, and ready for action.

The Crew

Captain Halfbeard

They say that The Dread Captain Halfbeard lost his facial hair in a deal with the devil gone terribly wrong. He is a fierce and frightening man, who lost his eye in a duel with the Kraken, and nearly lost the other one from not listening to his mother's advice about running with scissors. No one knows how he lost his left hand, but he has never allowed a disposal to be installed in the galley. His constant companion is a monkey named Cooper, known for his pickpocket and blackjack skills.

First Mate Red Beard

When the Great Pirate Red Beard first left home at age 7, his dream was to be the greatest sand volleyball player ever to come out of the Midwest. Alas, during a high stakes game two years later, Red Beard (as he was already know, for his beard began to grow at birth) was double crossed by a team of rich British sailors. They took the trophy, but Red Beard later took their hearts. In his pursuit, he found that he loved the sea, and stealing. He stands strong beside Captain Halfbeard, knowing is ever his captain should fall, it will take a great beard to carry the fight on.

Lookout: TK "Crazy Eye" Henry

She was born to a family of Russian acrobats, and has always loved to be high above. From the Crow's Nest, she is always the first to spot enemies on the horizon. Some say that her crazy red eye allows her to see into the future. Others say she just needs to learn how to maintain her contacts. She is not just an observer of danger, my friends. Her scars, and they are many, have all been earned in hard fought battle with the most dangerous dregs of the earth. Except the one on her face. She got that one the night she tripped on Cooper's banana peel and fell Scurvy's sword. She has never liked the monkey since....

Physician: Scurvy

A citrus allergy led to Dr. Wade "Scurvy" Greening's unfortunate condition. Not his disease, his leg. In a battle with some of the most heartless creatures ever to roam the waters, Scurvy was attacked by orange wielding enemies who knew of his weakness. He was forced to jump ship, and the sharks soon took liberties with his limb. Un-deterred, Scurvy quickly sewed his own leg up, rejoined the fight, and slaughtered his enemies to a man. The only survivor was a parrot named Dammit. Though the mono-lexemetic bird can be a bit awkward, he never fails to make Scurvy laugh.

Pilot: Sea Ranger

They say that Sea Ranger (SR for short) was not born, but rather sprung from the sea hungry for battle. There is no place on the ocean that he does not feel at home, and he can never be lost. Except that one time. But we don't EVER talk about it. His appetite for fighting is topped only by his appetite for fine cuisine. When on land- and that is rare- he can be found in only the finest dining establishments on the wharf. In battle, he uses only the weapons God gave him, his fists, Butch and Sundance. It is said that he can catch a bullet and throw it back at his attacker and never be harmed. His teeth are pure gold, gold taken while plundering enemy pirates. Each tooth tells a story, except the back molar. That is purely for grinding.

Battle Leader: Jenna "Parkie" Wilson

She began as a humble park ranger in Missouri, but a terrible storm and some bad directions left her stranded on a desert island. Picked up by Captian Halfbeard and his crew, she soon proved to be the most fearsome fighter and brilliant strategist the ship had ever seen. Around her neck she wears a string of gummy tongues, which her enemies mistake for real tongues. When she eats them, people really freak out. Her sword is always bloody, and her heart is always pure.

Cabin Boy: Stats Creagar

Even Halfbeard's brother is not exempt from the ships hierarchy. As the last to join the crew, and the youngest, Sam "Stats" Creagar has many responsibilities aboard ship. He is the cook, the swabby, the master of arms, and the latrine cleaner. He has proven himself in battle, losing an eye to a cruel, yet surprisingly apologetic pirate off the coast of Maine. While Stats is on the rise as a pirate star, his career has been slowed somewhat by his need to be put in port every weekend from late August until February, as he has not yet convinced Captain Halfbeard to subscribe to the NFL Channel.

The toughest pirate ever to walk on four legs...except SR when he has been in the grog....Grania does her namesake proud. She may seem sweet and jovial, but try to take her bones, and she will chase you right off the plank! She also has full use of both eyes, but loves the we let her keep it on.

And finally...

Keith the Pirate

Truthfully not the best in a fight, but he is useful in a bluff.

So that is the crew. And never has a finer one been formed. Now all we need is a ship and some financial backing. Who wants to help with this next, crucial, phase?


Kelley said...

my hubby is so hot, even without a leg. i may not be able to help you financially but I will chip in on the cooking part as I am afraid what Sam will cook up especially if he has been cleaning the latrine all day ;)

Sam said...

How dare Kelley insult my culinary skills! And just because I work with the latrines doesn't mean I can't wash my hands, I mean, Grania is going to be around to give 'em a good lick-rinse, right?

Great job, bro. A fine post.


the other day I had by far the coolest word verification ever: nognakel. love it.

sara said...

Would the pirate crew like cookies? I can support them with cookies...

luke said...

arrrgh cookies! ok i guess.

be ye gettin us a ship a time soon er captain? red beard's beard needs to feel the wind of the sea!

Jenna said...

I think Tiff's picture is the best. She looks like the most dreadful pirate. ARRRRG!!

Tiffany said...


You are a master of paint shop. I like how you made your brother the lowest rank. I would have done that to mine as well. ha

Wade said...

those somalis have nothing on us. as far as the boat, how about we pirate a pirate boat? if we get captured, i'm sure our fearless captain will give himself in our stead? right captain?

Liz.EJ.Lizzard.Elizabeth. said...

this is like 100 types of awesome!!!