The Definition of Bravery

Okay, since I am apparently still showing, and I do feel a stirring of thoughts in my heart, I will try to come back to this forum. My heart is a bit heavy these days, so the posts may not be as joyful as they once were. Though I am seeking joy in all that I do, so we shall see.

As for this post, I have some thoughts on bravery that I want to explore.

Many of you, dear readers, know that I have a heart for the crushed souls of this world. I am currently attempting to gain a law degree to better equip me to fight some of the world's greatest atrocities, including, and most likely focusing on Human Trafficking. No doubt I will write more on this in coming months and years, but that is not the true focus of this post.

I decided earlier this year that as I learn all about lawyering, I also needed to balance my education by learning much more about human trafficking. Not just where it happens, but how, why, who is behind it, who is victim of it, and who is complacent in the battle. To that end I have begun to read several books, blogs, and articles. In the current book I am reading, I have just come across a part where a woman who was part of a labor enslavement ring in Florida stood up at her enslaver's sentencing, and spoke against him. She is 4'10", has been forced to labor in fields doing work that I know would have me begging off within an hour, and has done so with little or no pay. She has seen this man beat, torture, and even kill those who acted against him. She knows that should he get a light sentence, or indeed ever get out of prison, that he will be look for revenge, and she will be in his sights.

And she testifies anyway.

She testified to a judicial system that for years ignored her, that allowed her friends to die, that implicitly told her she was of little to no value, and she did so to make sure justice was done.

That is bravery I can hardly fathom.

I like to think of myself as brave. I have been called upon investigate scary noises for neighbors, walk through dark basements to flip breakers, and once even waited for and intercepted a burglar who had been robbing one of my work sites (did I ever tell my mother about that? Hmmmm). However, the more I learn about the world, the more I see those acts as bravado. They were done to show the world how powerful I could be. There are people in this world who have shown true bravery.

Testifying against your abuser is bravery I will probably never even touch.

I go to school with two men who have served our country in the military. They have walked through dangers I can not even pretend to know. Not to show off, but because that was the job they were assigned to do. They are brave.

Corrie Ten Boom chose to hide and protect Jews in her home, even though she knew that doing so could (and eventually did) result in her own arrest and abuse. She did it because she knew that doing what was right and pleasing to the Lord was far more important than living a comfortable life in troubled times. She, and her family, were brave.

My mother was just a few months ago diagnosed with breast cancer. Recently, she found out that she will indeed have to have a mastectomy and chemo therapy. As our family dealt with the news that what we had hoped would be a health blip was going to be a health battle, it was my mother who sent out multiple emails and blogposts to encourage us. She made sure that while we were feeling crushed by the pain of the situation we focused on the blessing God has provided for her and our family. As she heads into this scary and unsure time, she is choosing to lead her family. That is bravery that humbles me.

I have no idea what the Lord has in store for me over the next few years. I suspect that whatever it is, it will give me the opportunity to meet many more brave people. I will consider each meeting an honor, and an opportunity to better understand what bravery is. I also may be called upon to show bravery myself. I won't lie, part of me wants the test. Part of me fears it. However is may present itself, I pray that when the time comes, I show the courage and bravery of a woman confronting her attackers, of soldiers walking into enemy territory, of a family confronting evil with unwavering faith, and of my mother, leading her family through her own dark hour.

I also pray that it will not involve spiders. If it does....I am screwed.

Hello?

Does anyone even keep this blog on their reader anymore? I am terrible at keeping up with this blog. But I have thought about starting blogging again. Maybe.

The Halfway Mark

Remember last month when I posted that I was starting an adventure? And then I disappeared? Well, no worries, dear reader, I have returned. The particular adventure the Lord has put me on this summer has taken a great deal of my time, my mental capacity, and my energy. I would sit to write something, and would come to an hour later with drool running through my beard. So I waited.

So here it is, my midsummer post:

Thus far this summer has been....

Amazing

Humbling

Hard

Joy-filled

Heartbreaking

Shaping

Life Giving

Draining

In other words, it has been, thus far, what an adventure should be.

I have met amazing people.

I met a man who was once arrested outside of Jerusalem for trying to sleep there. He wanted to sleep outside of the city like Jesus had. He laughed as he told the story now, 30 years later, and realized how odd and perhaps dangerous he must have seemed.

I met a woman who runs an Alpaca store, which has two Alpacas in the side yard, just for customers to play with.

I met a man who looks like Santa Claus, and for one of my staffs, has acted like him, blessing them at every turn.

I also met a toy maker who looks very much like the man above, but have no picture proof yet, maybe someday soon. This particular toy maker also happens to have an amazing knowledge of railroad history in the northeast. Yeah, we talked for a good long time....

I have met a man who loved the out of doors so much that he has dedicated his life to preserving and building a park in the heart of Rutland, Vermont. He has done this for ten years, has never been paid to do it, and has spent every "free" moment fighting to make others see his vision for what it can be. YW partners with him to build and preserve trails within the park, and the youth who work beside him get a better lesson about servant leadership than any sermon could ever teach.

I have met more pastors than I can list here, and they have each been a blessing to me as well as my staff. They have listened to concerns, taken people to dinner, coffee, even put myself and one of my staffs up in a hotel for a night so they could relax and enjoy the 4th of July. They have prayed for us, interceded with community for us, and opened up their churches and homes to us.

And I have only listed the community members I have met! That says nothing of the youth leaders and youth that have poured through my sites this summer, and how awesome they have been. Or of my staffs, 12 amazing people who are sacrificing sleep, comfort, friends and family, and at times, sanity, to be the hands and feet of Christ this summer. They are a blessing to so many, and deserve their own post entirely...maybe next month :P

God makes people so intricate, interesting, and unique. I have been blessed to get to know so many of them on this adventure.

The adventure is not always pure joy. Sometimes it is hard. Really hard. Sometimes I want to just walk away, ask someone else to take over, and go home to watch Memphis Beat. I get asked questions. A lot of questions. So often, I feel that I am out of answers before noon. I have tasks, some involving paperwork, some involving the less fun side of people management, that I hate. Some of them I dread. People can be difficult. Ministry is almost always difficult. Mixing the two makes for more problems than I could have ever imagined.

But this is my joy.

That God called me on this adventure not to fulfill my own desire for a fun summer before my next life step, That God called me on this adventure not so I could tell awesome stories. God did not even call me on this adventure so that I could spend the summer serving and learning about Him (though this is a wonderous by-product of it all).

No, my joy comes from the fact that God called me on this adventure because He built me for it, and it is to His glory that I fulfill it. He called me on this adventure because he wanted to break me of my all too often tendency to rely on myself and my own abilities for success. He called me on this adventure so that I could turn every moment over to Him, and then work hard to make every step, and action, every word be glorifying to Him.

So whether I am petting alpacas or helping a tired and discouraged staff member through one last interaction before the youth leave; whether I am sitting up late laughing with my staff about their crazy weeks or comforting a crying staff member whose burden makes me weep as well, whatever the moment, I find my joy in this adventure for the Lord. I am humbled each day that He called me to it. And blown away each time He provides the energy, wisdom, or sometimes just the smile that I need to get through each moment.

Let the glory of this adventure be to Him whose adventurous heart created us all.

P.S. I also saw these Moosen the other day. Further proof that my adventure is awesome.

New Adventure

Here I sit, alone in a room at the First United Methodist Church.

My bed is an inflatable double high Coleman that my parents blessed me with by buying.

My desk is a tiny children's table, which my knees do not nearly fit under.

I am surrounded by a bag full of my clothes, binders in which my summer's tasks can be found, and office supplies my wonderful padre sent me.

Outside of these walls my four staffers wind down their days. They have worked hard, preparing for a summer of working hard, all in the name of the Lord.

On Tuesday I leave here, and head to another site. There I will re-inflate my bed, drag my bag inside, and share a day with another staff of four, amazingly hard working, God loving and serving people.

On Wednesday I will drive 7.5 hours and once again set up camp. I will spend a week and a half with my third, equally as amazing staff. I will be blessed by their hearts to serve, and the stories they already have about the amazing communities and peoples they are encountering.

Then, I will start the circuit again. This summer, I have no permanent home.

I will be lonely, tired, stretched, and confused. I will be called upon to solve problems which I feel in my heart I have no business trying to resolve. I will be brought to the edge, and beyond, of what I think myself capable.

BUT

I will be blessed beyond what is accountable in a silly blog post.

I will meet saints of the Lord who will make my simple air mattress nomad life seem like that of a well established king.

I will hear stories that will remind me that the God I serve is just and loving.

I will see faces that will remind me that all of my thoughts have been thought before, and God has heard them all, and still He listens.

I will have my heart broken for those whom God's heart breaks for.

I will see God's splendor in the mountains, in the towns, in the lakes, waterfalls, and people I meet.

I will be so blessed this summer it will shatter my reality of God's blessing.

For I cried out that I am a wanderer, and I needed an adventure, and God heard and delivered one.

I hope I am ready for His answer to prayer :)

Ultimate Competition

I have a confession. I have little to no competitive spirit.

I know, dear reader, I know. Those of you who know me are not surprised. I am not saying I don't like to win, because I do. I am also not saying that I don't want to be better or try to be better than others. Because I do.

What I am saying is that when push comes to shove, if you want something, you can have it.

Tonight I played Ultimate Frisbee with some dear friends. Now, I am not what you might call an athlete. But I love to play Ultimate. I am also not very good at Ultimate. My friends, however, are kind enough to let me play.

Tonight, my team did not do so well. Some were bothered by this more than others. I would put my level of concern at the bottom of the list. I was just happy they let me run around like an idiot with them for a while. The only thing that bothered me was that I knew that some on my team really wanted to win, and I could not make that happen (in fact, probably hampered that from happening). But win for me? Yeah, could not care less in the end.

As I drove away tonight, I began to think about this part of me. This part that does not seek, enjoy, or really participate in competition. I began to be a bit worried. In a year, I am wanting to go to Law School. I have heard it is one of the most competitive academic environments one can enter. Everyone will be striving, fighting, pushing for the top. And I began to get concerned that I did not have the competitive edge to make it through the next few years. And then I began to think about what I want to do with my degree.

My philosophy has always been, I will do what I do. If you don't like it, cool. Let's go have a beer, and let it slide.

But what I want to do with my life is fight injustice. What I want to do is free children from the clutches of evil people who would use and abuse them to gain power and wealth.

You can't let that slide. You can't just nod your head and move on from that. You have to have a competitive edge. You have to want to win.

But I think we're gonna be okay here. Because I thought some more about this competitive thing. And see, it is true that I really don't care if I win. But I care if those that I love win. I care if the good guys win. Tonight, my friend really wanted to win, and while I did not care and could not make it happen, I really wanted her to be able to win (again, sorry I could not make that happen my friend, perhaps next time shorter fields and shinier frisbees to hold my attention...just a thought).

I only care to win when there is a greater win in it than mine. If you want to win with all your heart, then I want you to win with all mine. I want to do what I can to help you win. I will spend my time and energy to make that happen, if I can. I am a borrower when it comes to competition.

So when I go to school next Fall, I will not be going for my win. If I do, I will be content to just do well and let others seek glory. I will be content to just be a pretty good lawyer. I will be content to sit back and let someone else get the connections and accolades needed to make an impact in the legal world.

No, my win will not work. I will go for those I wish to serve. I will go for the God I serve. I will go remembering that I want to win so that those I defend can have lives they never dreamed were possible, and that evil gets the swift kick to the crotch it deserves.

If that sounds cheesy, I am cool with that. If you think I am a fool for giving that all over and doing it for the glory of a "big idea" cause that may not be attainable, if you think "doing it for the children" is too cliche, that's cool.

Call me, we will go get a beer.

The Thinker

Imagine with me if you will. You enter a dining room. Before you there is a table laid out with intricately designed beautiful dishes. It is it by candles. Barely audible there s a blend of music that weaves its way into your subconscious, both soothing and inspiring you. As you sit, the chair is perfectly made to fit you at the exact height of the table. It is not overstuffed and lumpy, nor a hard wooden slab. You sit and wait.

The meal arrives. First a soup, not so filling as it is flavorful. With each rise of the spoon your taste buds practically leap from you tongue to embrace the smooth, warm broth. It wakens your senses and prepares your stomach to be filled with greater things to come. Second, a main course. The meat is a tender roast, cooked to perfection. Each bites melts off the fork. You find yourself chewing to excess, not because the meat is tough or needs processing, but because each bite is so good you do not want it to end. When it does, the only thing that consoles you as you swallow is the fact that there is another bite on its way. This is accompanied by a salad that is so fresh, crisp, and cool that it makes your body feel fresher just to ingest it. Finally, dessert arrives. Before you sits a culinary miracle. A cake so moist, so light, so perfectly baked that it is almost a shame to take a bite out of it. Almost. When you do, you are once again hit with a cornucopia of flavor. This time sweeter and thicker. The frosting is light, and accents the cake such that you cannot think of ever having eaten the one without the other. They are a perfect complimentary pair.

For me, my friends, a good intellectual conversation feels like that kind of a meal. A good intellectual conversation, where my brain is stretched and forced to accept new, even opposing thoughts, can be just as satisfying as sitting down to such a lovely spread as described above.

And tonight, I feasted.

Tonight, I went to a series of talks called TEDx KC. Some of you may have heard of TED Talks. They are presented annually at a conference. Originally set up to discuss what was happening in the world of Technology, Entertainment, and Design, they have grown to encompass all things intellectual and innovative. Some of the most brilliant minds in the world have spoken at TED conferences. And those talks are presented online for free.

A TEDx conference is a localized version. It has a similar format to TED, but is put on locally. The original TED conference has become such a big deal that one must apply to go, and it costs quite a bit of money. The local one I went to tonight was free, and I just had to be lucky enough to nab a ticket when they went on "sale". Which was harder than you might think they were out of tickets within an hour of them being available.

The speakers covered everything from new business strategies to how we interact with technology to human vulnerability to poop to how we inline gamers can save the world.

I will not cheapen the talks by trying to recap them here, I believe they will be up on the web soon. They inspired my mind in many ways, and I am still chewing on them some.

But they also inspired me to think a bit more about the conversations I have in everyday life. Tonight I saw 5 people who are the best at what they do present some crazy ideas. They are not the best at what they do by accident. They are the best a what they do because they have taken the time in their lives to discover their passions and then pursue them. And by pursue, I don't mean they just went out and bought some books and checked out some web pages. I mean they let their minds marinate on what they are passionate about. They asked questions of people. They set up discussions. They put their ideas out to the world, and let that begin to shape and reshape what they did.

Powerful.

One speaker tonight pointed out that much of our conversation revolves around media. We talk about television and movies as though we were experiencing them ourselves. We are comfortable with made up story lines because those problems are solved within a set context, and we can rejoice in the solution.

But how often do we engage in intellectual, mentally stimulating, original thought conversation. How often do we stop "exploring" the meaning behind LOST or Monday Night Football (I know, Sam, you just took in a deep breath) and have a real conversation about the world that actually exists around us?

I hang out with wicked smart people. I hang out with people who everyday solve problems, little and big, to make their worlds work better. I am not saying that you, dear reader, do not think. And I am not saying that I am not just as guilty of spending a huge percentage of my conversating time discussing Scrubs, Psych, and Date Night.

What I am saying is that tonight's delicious feast of deep thinking discussion got me to thinking about how much I love to go deeper. To have real conversations that matter and have a lasting impact. To have a conversation that was working towards a goal of better understanding for both myself and my fellow dialoguer.

If we really did spend our words wisely, talking over real issues, solving real problems, I think we could each begin to have some pretty amazing impacts in our own small spheres, which could even bleed out into larger spheres of influence. If instead of discussing the latest episode of Modern Family, we engaged in a discussion of energy conservation, aid to the poor in our area, how to reach out to children in need, or ways to build a better automobile, what would start changing in our lives? I don't mean every conversation has to be deep and meaningful. We certainly SHOULD discuss Modern Family, and often. But maybe just start working on shifting the balance. Let the mindless, entertainment conversations be the minority, let the expanding of ideas conversations be the lions share of talk.

See where that goes. Sharp minds sharpening other sharp minds. Engaged people engaging in the world around them.

Just a thought. Just a thought.

Insomnia...We Meet Again

Well dear reader, you have finally found me here again. The reason? A wee bit of insomnia. When I was in high school I went entire weeks without sleeping more than a few, dream-filled hours a night. In college, I never really slept much. For years after, as I entered the work force and took jobs that drained me of all my energy, I slept like a rock.

...Now I sit at a desk all day, and my old friend Insomnia has returned. Last night it was dreams. Crazy dreams. Dreams involving the kidnapping of certain friends, and my inability to find them. Tonight, it is sleeplessness all together. I am hoping this will exhaust my brain a bit, so when I sleep, I will not dream. Unless the girls get kidnapped again....then I suppose dream hero me will have to step up.

Anyway, this post should not be about dreaming....what to discuss......

I have it!

Smell association. You know how when you hear a song it can take you back to a set place and time? The same, at least for me, works with smells.

Last week, it was just about to rain, and was slightly humid outside. The air was thick, and held the damp, restless smell of a coming storm. I stepped out of the office, and when the first breeze hit me I was suddenly back in 9th grade at Worlds of Fun. That day I took two of my friends with me to enjoy the park. One a girl I liked, the other a good guy friend. The whole park smelled like a storm was coming, because it was. I remember that the day ended with the guy and the girl I brought dating....the coming storm was more than just weather :)

The other day I was throwing something away in a public trashcan, and I caught a whiff of Grizzly Chewing Tobacco. How do I know what that smells like? It was what my grandfather chewed. The minty, sickly smell immediately took me to when I was 14, riding in his painting van, learning how to paint. We were riding along in silence, I believe he thought I needed to learn to be still and listen to life. With that simple olfactory stimulation I felt as though I was physically in that old van again. And my heart broke a little when broke free of that and came back to the real world.

And then there was tonight when I went in to my parent's basement. My father is a printer, and he was running his press. The chemicals used in this process are strong, their odor filled the basement. And upon entering the basement my nose took me back to the printing office he once had in a church, where he worked my entire childhood. That was a wonderful place. The shelves all had things to play with, like airplanes and cars. Outside of his office sat the pop machine, which he had the key to, and on special occasions, we could "sneak" in and get one..always orange. I love orange. He had a drafting table set up to do his layouts on, and we would sit on stools, taking exacto knives and cutting into the rubbery surface, the only time we were allowed to fulfill such destructive impulses. I can describe what the room looked like, all the trinkets, including an ash tray I made for him (he did not smoke) and a real taxidermied piranha I bought him for Father's Day one year (because who does not want one of those). But it is the smell of the ink that brings me back to that place in my heart.

There are many, many other scents that will trigger my memory, but, luck for you, this exercise has done its job. I am now off to try once again to sleep. If you made it this far, you are thanked for putting up with my late night ramblings. Hopefully my next post will be of some more substance.

G'night